Thursday 6th February ‘25 – I received my official diagnosis’ for ASD.

I now have my diagnosis in ‘black-and-white’, and I don’t know how I should feel about it. I had been mentally preparing myself for the moment, the moment that everything the doctors, psychiatrists, nurses ect, have said prior to D-day (diagnosis day), to become confirmed. But how am I supposed to feel? Yes, I have an explanation of why I think differently to others – but I don’t feel any better about it. It’s almost like I’m now looking through a different pair of glasses, at my whole life, both past and present. I thought getting this confirmation would give me a sense of relief and give me some form of clarity or I’d feel somewhat validated somehow. But it hasn’t at the moment, instead I’m filled with sorrow and anger. More so, for the younger me. The younger me who struggled tremendously through different & difficult parts of her life. She struggled to ‘keep up’ and often just copied those around her to try and fit in. She was always bullied. She didn’t understand why. The worst bit is that, she had suffered so much in her life – the struggles, didn’t even feel like struggles anymore. And she was just used to being seen as ‘the problem’ and used as a scapegoat – most of the time it seemed!

It was my mental breakdown (in 2024) that revealed I had much more than just mental health related issues – Yes, I had mental health issues due to a troubled childhood, but unbeknown to me, I was having mental health issues also due to my undiagnosed ‘stuff’, as well. So, this was different. I was mentally struggling with the world around me. I was struggling with the changes that were coming Quickly into my life and I couldn’t keep up with the things going on around me.. I kept pushing through until I had the ‘ultimate burnout’! The truth is, Autism had never crossed my mind, not in a million years! ADHD was never a surprise though – due to my Hyperactive, loud, quirky self! But now I know, that was more than likely, me ‘masking’, just so I could fit in with the people and world around me. I felt like if I was loud and happy nobody would see the suffering that I was going through on a daily basis. Unbeknown to me, how I felt and how much I struggled – wasn’t normal.

I’m starting to ‘look back’ at all the failed friendships and relationships I had in the past. At the time I felt it was all my fault (as to why they broke down/ended), so this impacted the next relationship/friendship straight from the word ‘GO’. As I’d then become over cautious, or even more protective of the very few real friends I have (which causes people to take a step back, as it comes across intense – never my intention, I never get the balance right!), as I’d panic. I’d think/believe that what ‘happened before, will happen again’ and I’ll lose even more people I care about! I was also so fearful of that happening, as it took me long enough to find a friend in the first place!

I think about my years at school. I think about how much I struggled then to fit in. I never had a click as such, I kind of floated around friendship groups. I was neither here nor there. It was like I didn’t know where to place myself. All I knew was I was bottom of the barrel really. I didn’t carry myself like everybody else did. I didn’t get the jokes or sarcasm – mainly due to them being ‘at me’. Then for that reason I would isolate myself and just pray I make it to the end of the school day. It look me until the last two years of high school for me to of learned to ‘blend in’ enough for everyone to not pick on me anymore. I wore make-up, plucked my eyebrows within an inch of their lives (poor things), even lost my virginity at the young age of 15 because that’s when everyone else did! – stupid, I know. Yet, I felt like it helped me blend in even better somewhat! Also, ‘back in the day’ I was told I had dyslexia. So I went through school believing I was completely dumb and there was no hope for me whatsoever. When really, all I needed was for things to be explained in a way I’d understand, and for the teachers to take my questioning/s seriously, instead of seeing me as having ‘challenging behaviours’ all the time! Turns out – I’m a little bit clever.

So, in a nutshell, my mind currently keeps returning to past events of my life. Everything, from how I handled certain situations – to how people treated me in certain situations! It’s involuntary at this point! I want to stop dwelling on things I cannot change. But I cannot seem to shake it off as easily as most people can. So currently I’m stuck in a rut, one which will take me a while to escape. I guess it’s a time thing, I’m going to have some group sessions soon, with other people who (like myself) have just been diagnosed with autism. Im hoping this will make me feel less alone. As I’m currently really struggling with this diagnosis, I didn’t think I would. But I am. I may be ‘high-functioning’, but the lady who gave me my diagnosis mentioned that I hit almost all the criteria needed. And now I’M just sat here thinking “HOLY SH!T, I’M AUTISTIC AS FXXK!” And theres nothing I can do about it!

Until next time,

T x