Of course with anything, you do not know ‘how you’ll react/feel when…’ a life changing thing happens. I guess relief is the most common ‘first feeling’. The relief knowing that you weren’t entirely the problem (if at all). Well, that’s how I felt to start with anyway. But I don’t think anyone could warn you about what you could feel like after, of course theres a lot of positives – but theres so many other emotions and feelings one can feel in the ‘aftermath’ of receiving such a diagnosis.
One of the feelings I felt, was one which I hadn’t felt in a while – was grief! I was, and still am grieving over the years I’ve spent on this earth, struggling with just existing! Not knowing what I was ‘doing wrong’. Blaming and punishing myself for not ‘being like everyone else’, or not behaving how others ‘behaved’. Not fully fitting in with friends and barely fitting in with family. I always knew something was ‘different’ with me, the way my brain worked compared to others, and the way I viewed the world in general. I had always been led to believe that how I ‘felt’ all my life (anxious & depressed as hell) was strictly down to childhood trauma and was treated as such (diagnosed with C-PTSD at the age of 17). But, of course it was also the fact that I had scraped my arse through life ‘that far’, with an undiagnosed neurological condition, that explains pretty much everything! Oh how I wish I knew sooner (and how I wish, I was even noticed enough as a child, for someone to ‘catch on’), I could’ve been given the right support at the times when I really needed it. I could be working towards becoming my ‘best self’, opposed to where I am now, healing and learning about my ‘unmasked’ self. But as they say… ‘hindsights a wonderful thing’.
Another feeling I didn’t expect, was feeling like a fraud – AKA ‘impostor syndrome’. For me this happened about two days after I was given my diagnosis (after the shock wore off I guess). I couldn’t quite believe it. Me? Autistic? Are they sure?… I’d know if I was autistic… surely? I remember the words; ‘what’, ‘the’ and ‘fuck’ repeatedly coming out my mouth a lot, the days that followed after. I’ve never felt such disbelief & confusion in my life (and I was born confused!). I was certain I knew who I was before that – a really unlucky, annoying person, who had lived through enough trauma to last a life time, a person who always takes people the wrong way, and vice versa. It’s a hard one to comprehend, not ‘knowing your own self’ ’ as well as you thought you did! Turns out I had been just ‘copying’ everyone around me my whole life (masking) and doing crap at it!
The only thing I could say to anyone who is yet to receive, or has recently received a diagnosis (ASD), to literally take the days after as they come. Allow yourself to feel what ever you’re feeling. And TALK through your emotions to someone you trust. It’s ok to be; angry, sad, mad or even just numb. You’ll need time to process, and so will those closest to you. As now you have a lot to learn about yourself moving forward!
until next time! T x
My-messy-mind
ALL MINDS WELCOME!
