Okay…The word ‘hate’ is a very powerful word, but I got your attention, right?
But, I do hate being Autistic… sometimes! I mean, let’s put aside this whole ‘autism is a superpower’ bullsh!t for a minute, having Autism is exhausting (putting it lightly)! Lets think about the real struggles behind having autism. Because, there are so many, for a lot of ‘us’! Now, when I mention struggles, I’m not talking about the things that are ‘commonly known’ with having autism (ie struggling with bright lights, food texture, noise, etc).
Im talking about how much we actually can suffer, when the environment isn’t right, or we do something that we’re not quite ‘up to’. Until my ‘unmasking’, I never realised how socially awkward I am, nor did I realise how bad I was at ‘reading people’ and working out their intentions! Being ‘out and about’/going out, never bothered me before (ah, I guess that was all part of me masking) – Well, it must of ‘to a point’ because I’d always plan every single journey in fine detail and get really pi*sed off (to the point I’d feel full of undying rage) if any plans would change, and not quite understanding why I feel ‘a type of way’, with so much intensity! There were (so many) ‘signs’!
Going out used to be an easy thing for me and now (since my breakdown, that resulted in my ‘unmasking’), I really do struggle. Only a couple of weeks ago, I went to a well known supermarket (hint – they wear blue uniform!), early in the morning (just after opening), to get a few bits and for some reason (probably because I made myself go, I wasn’t in the best head space that day – the joys of an anxiety disorder) I struggled. I struggled to remember what I needed, as soon as I entered through the automatic doors/entrance! I struggled to find the things I was looking for – even though I knew the layout & location of things really well. But this day, I felt like I had never shopped there in my life! The more I couldn’t find things, the more I got confused, flustered and frustrated. My body temperature was rising, my heart started beating faster.. oh and here comes the desperate need for the loo! The longer I was walking about, the more busier it got (with customers) so the urgency to get out of there, and into some fresh air was increasing rapidly. Luckily enough, I’ve shopped there the same time etc, long enough now, for the lovely staff to recognise me, so when I got close to the checkouts (looking flustered, stimming like crazy!) the ladies came to my aid, putting my shopping through for me and making sure I felt ‘ok’ before I left! This little shop trip, was a massive wake up call, as to how much support I currently need.. But, that then comes down to me having to ask for help! Which I struggle with, I mean, how does one go about asking someone to come with you on a little trip? I feel like a burden – I guess it’s because my mind goes back to all the past years of my life, and I think about the times I managed to get through everything and anything that came my way! Did I struggle? Absolutely! But all those years I managed to just ‘get on with it’ – the best way/s I could at the time! In fact, struggling was a way of life for me. I thought that everyone else had just the same struggles as I did, but they were just way better at ‘winging it’ than I ever could be!
I’m remaining hopeful, that I will eventually see & feel the positives – but currently, where I am on my journey, I really hate having such a neurodiverse brain! Because theres a lot of negatives that I have come across and experienced so far, as I recover from what happened to me that ‘brought me here’. And of course, It’s now about navigating through and adapting to my ‘new normal’. Im finding it hard to accept that I can’t do things as well, or as independently, as I used to… well, I can no longer mask to the limits in which I had done prior to my diagnosis, and if I do ‘mask’, even just a little bit, I feel utterly exhausted after! I’m no where near as confident as I once was – but then again, was I even confident in the first place?
Who even am I? *insert existinail crisis here!*
T
