– This question crosses my mind, pretty much every time I interact with anyone!
We may be good observers… but we (the neurodivergent) suck at facial reading and sometimes even the ‘tone of voice’ can leave us feeling rather perplexed/confused! Mix that, with a good ole sprinkle (more like a gigantic dollop) of sarcasm, and you’ve got yourself one confused arse Autistic! I’ve found that neurotypical people, tend to use this (sarcasm) as a form of communication for some reason! Opposed to just ‘saying how you feel’ at that given time. And sometimes, people even verbalise the opposite of how they feel…
Like for example – when people say “it’s fine!”, with an agitated tone and a scrunched up face! You know? Not exactly giving ‘fine vibes’… Now, to me even though the person said “it’s fine”, I’d take it (due to the ‘delivery’ of their response),that it, was not, in fact ‘fine’! Now though my years of ‘observing’ (and being in situations where I probe into their ‘fine’ response and end up the one who gets ‘snapped at’ or shouted at!), apparently the ‘right’ approach, is to actually, not approach! Basically don’t under any circumstance, question their ‘fine’ and just assume that it is in fact… fine!! – Even though the face and tone say otherwise! Confusing, no?
Now, I think this is why Autistic people get a ‘bad rep’. Because we cannot say that we are ‘fine’, if we are not… in-fact… ‘fine’! So, it could come across as complaining/winging or whatever. But we’re really not. We just cant hide how we are feeling very well (or at all in my case), and… what’s that going to achieve exactly? If you’re not addressing your own needs, who are you making happy exactly? It wont be you will it? Because you’re withholding a need/or going through something that will cause you some form of distress or discomfort, because you’re not as ‘fine’ with it as you’ve said. Why not be truthful? I guess being a ‘mind reader’ would be rather beneficial eh?!
I find things like the above, really hard to get my head around! Therefore, making the ability to work out if someone’s mad at me or not, rather difficult! Mostly, they’re not actually mad at me, but if someone seems ‘off’ around me/delivering un-fine vibes in their responses, then automatically I ‘look in-wards’ thinking that it could be actually be my fault, and the person wishes that I’d just f*ck off! – I get inside my own head a lot of the time, I guess that comes from a childhood of walking on egg shells, as ‘the blame’ got shifted onto me so effortlessly it seemed! I Guess that ‘comes with the territory’, of being the ‘annoying child’ no one listens to. Sadly, “children should be seen and not heard” was slung around by ‘grown-ups’ a lot of the time. Not helpful, especially with being an undiagnosed neurodivergent child ‘in the mix’.
Well… that took a slight dark turn, didn’t it?! Apologies – I go on like a ‘cracked piss pot’ at the best of times! Seems that I haven’t stopped being annoying, don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon unfortunately. I am who I am… guess it’s time that I start to accept it!
Stay true to yourselves guys. Don’t hide how you feel – they’ll be no surprises ‘later on’. Surprises are for birthdays and Christmas! *And if you are ‘mad at me’ , please just tell me – it’s exhausting trying to work it out all the time!
Until next time,
T
