looking back on all the things I’ve ‘done in my life’, and ‘knowing what I know now’, I’m slightly impressed that I didn’t have a breakdown wayyy before I did! There had been many things and times when I could’ve been ‘pushed to the edge’ as I’ve seen and experienced some shit! But I didn’t. I held it together somehow. Just praying that this whole life thing, gets easier one day!
Having (unknowingly) ‘masked’ for over 3 decades, I was sure as hell burning that candle at both ends, and that’s just with me trying to ‘fit in’!. Slowly making my way to being heavily medicated and on the cusp of being sectioned! All it would take is for the ‘next big, bad thing’ to come along and ‘I’d be right there’! As there really is only so much a person can take, right? This time was different, and more intense. This was really ‘the straw that broke the camels back’. Every emotion I’ve ever felt in my existence on this earth, and all the pain I’ve endured and carried throughout my life came to the surface. I couldn’t hold it together anymore I couldn’t control it! It was like a tsunami of ‘meltdowns’ and disassociating (unbeknown to me at the time…). So it was easy for me to think that, I was the problem. Opposed to being gaslit into thinking that! And it took its toll on me obviously.
My world started to crumble a couple of years ago, when being Autistic wasn’t no where near my ‘radar’ and everything was blamed on my (all ready diagnosed) C-PTSD! And now, I can’t function as well as I used to. Anxiety is the biggest ‘gift’ left from it all. I’m left with crippling anxiety daily. Every morning when I wake up, the toilet is my best friend (IYKYK). I’m anxious about each day, wondering ‘what next?…’, because of the constant shit I’ve had to deal with. It really was a bad case of ‘if it’s not one thing, it’s another!’ My life is currently in limbo, waiting to get started again, after I worked so hard on myself to get to where I was in life. Then, it all came crashing down… All because I trusted someone who I shouldn’t have trusted.
They got into my head so much that I didn’t see ‘it for what it was’ nor did I see what was actually happening to me (until it was too late!). I was being leached for everything I had to give (and some), For promises that were broken regularly. I thought and was made to believe that this person was a ‘good one’. A misunderstood one. So I guess a lot of my actions were based around sympathy. I suppose it comes from being misunderstood myself and knowing how much it hurts. But, in the end I found that everything I was told was a lie in order to obtain control of me! I got turned against genuine people who tried to warn/help me! And even worse, my venerabilities and weaknesses were knowingly exploited and exposed to ‘the world’ by the person I thought was ‘a friend’ (because they convinced and told me so of course!). Some people would call it being gullible, or even stupid – but, in reality, Autistic people are renowned for honesty and concrete thinking. I guess we sometimes forget that, not everyone thinks ‘like us’ and don’t carry themselves with the same honesty and integrity!
I guess there is a point to this ‘little rant’ of mine… and that is; if you know someone who’s autistic, or meet someone who is, please be mindful that every friendship we believe we make, we really do value and take very seriously. Especially when we struggle to maintain friendships as it is! Because we speak with truth and assume everyone does the same!
And of course, the biggest lesson I’ve learned (from all this), is that betrayal from a ‘friend’, can have a detrimental effect on a ND’s mental health and cause utter, internal mayhem, as ‘we’ feel things on a much greater intensity! For me, the hardest part of my experience to ‘swallow’ is, that I am not the person I was (or at least thought I was!), five years ago. I don’t carry the same ‘confidence’ I once had. That same confidence that I used as an invisible mask to ‘hide behind’, no longer fits me. I now struggle with things I didn’t struggle with before. In-fact, I’ve never felt so disabled! I know that moving forward, people outside of my circle, will struggle to gain the trust that I so freely once gave (until proven otherwise). Oh god existing is tough! But up until a point, I totally was ‘okay’… until I wasn’t! And masking was much easier back in the day, I can’t mask for shit now!
If you’ve read this far, congratulations for making it through all the above. I was having a ‘moment of reflection’ and had the motivation to actually write some more content for here! Aaaaaand the above is written ‘as I thought it’… I did warn you ‘it could get messy’ on the About page… if you just arrived here via a link… All minds are welcome here!
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until next time,
T x
