when I take a look back on all the years I’ve existed – somehow, thinking that I was this social butterfly, and was relatively okay in ‘social situations’… I’ve finally come to the conclusion, that I absolutely suck at it!
I have been called ‘obnoxious’ before, and I’ve also been told (more times than I can possibly count) that I’m ‘too much’ or ‘too loud’, and it hurts, every single time – No matter how many times I’ve heard it! The thing is, I don’t ever intend to come across that way! In-fact, I try so hard not to be ‘too loud’, I try my upmost to ‘hold myself in’, yet blurting out the first thing that springs to mind, happens (most of the time, it’s beyond my control & I don’t realise I’m doing it/or see how I may come across) which most of the time its down to nerves/anxiety. Basically, if I’m loud and talking utter shit – I AM NOT OK! * and probably heading towards an ‘Autistic shut-down’… or worse a ‘burnout’.
Also, I struggle figuring out when ‘my turn to speak’ is – even more so, if it’s in a ‘group situation’! I can get really excited/excitable, especially when there’s an exciting subject/topic of conversation happening! Unknowingly holding my breath until I get the chance to speak, forgetting that breathing is a necessity not a choice! Honestly, I can get pretty worked up in those moments, as I can hold onto a thought, whilst looking for ‘a space’ to jump on in with it! I that way, lose track of the conversation as a result! Most of the time my thoughts become redundant due to this, as by the time I feel like ‘the time is right’, everyone else has moved onto the next thing and I look a twat if I say it anyway!
When theres more than one person to concentrate on, I struggle where to ‘place myself’, and can get in a ‘mucking Fuddle’ easily. This can lead to me saying the ‘wrong thing’ and it gets taken the ‘wrong way’ etc.. and of course vice verser! I have shut myself away a bit recently due to ‘how I am’ (especially these days as I try and get through a difficult and tough situation) and also, because I know that there is no cure, I’m always going to react a certain way to certain things, be completely honest, overshare, and the various other things incl ‘quirks’, that I’m blessed with. I am always going to be… me! And I’ve got to the point in my life where I won’t dedicate any of my time to those who don’t deserve it, or to those who I feel like I have to ‘mask’ around… it’s safer that way.
Reading this all back, I’ve really made myself look great at party’s!
Until next time!
T
