I guess that comes from a lifetime of criticism from everyone else around me! – So much so, that at one point, it felt like I was being condemned for just being myself – which is something that cannot be helped, unfortunately.

I have always been pretty harsh/hard on myself, for as long as I’ve been able to think for myself really. But since ‘I know, what I know now’ (regarding my diagnosis’), I know that I really need to start being kinder to myself and give myself the same compassion I so freely give to others – thats easier said than done! Because when I think about it, how I am ‘towards myself’ is really a reflection of all the negative things said to me and about me, which I’ve endured all my life, especially in my younger years (when I was the most ‘impressionable’)! I was taking all the things people said about/to me on board, and tried to change bits of myself in order to fit in (aka – Masking), because as I’ve found on many occasions, ‘popularity wins’. If you’re liked, you get a much ‘easier’ life. ‘Going against the grain’ gets you outcasted for some reason… that is by my observation/s & experience/s anyway!

I am fully aware that I can talk ‘the hind legs off a donkey’, and say things which could be deemed as inappropriate at times… and I will unintentionally interrupt… oh and get too loud (honestly, is there anything right with me?!) – but that’s the ADHD mostly, which I’m awaiting medication trials for…. I pray this helps, as I know I can be ‘a lot’. But this is the part where I mention that I have always been a complete hyper arse, but it’s when I’m not ‘this way’, that’s when I feel somewhat uncomfortable being myself and I will go into my shell and basically speak when spoken to. Those who know me, like really know me, know that my intentions are pure and ‘I don’t mean no harm’. I just get excited when I’m around those who I enjoy the company of.

Comments such as; “You’re too loud!”, “you talk too much!”, “you are too much!”, “you’re really annoying”, “do you ever shut up?”, “I bet no one gets a word in with you about”, “you’re obnoxious”, “are you still talking?”(… Just to name a few), I’ve heard more times than I can count. Yet, they hurt the same now, as they did when I heard them the first time! And yet, if I go and try and explain/defend myself, I’m the one who’s ’taking it the wrong way’ and am just ‘too sensitive’! When the reality is, I hear it all enough from myself anyway, as due to the constant comments I’ve been force fed all my life, I have an alarmingly low opinion of myself… because if more than one person says it, it must be true, right?

I am so grateful for the very few ‘real people’ I have in my life, because with these people, I don’t have to hide who I am. And, of course they’ll give me a ‘lil nudge’ if my volume gets a bit loud, or if I’m ‘struggling to wait my turn’, so to speak. Being Autistic and having ADHD (combo), is a living nightmare as it is, so I will only be surrounding myself with people who make it easier to be me, not harder!

Until next time,

T!