I actually remember the time when, I started to give a crap about how I look… well, when I say ‘give a crap’, what I actually mean is ‘I remember the time when I gave into peer pressure, because as soon as I started to ‘brush up on my appearance’… people treated me better in school and I wasn’t picked on, anymore!

Growing up, I didn’t have the freedom to dress how I wanted, or follow the ever changing fashion trends around me. I didn’t get the freedom to express myself or experience experimenting with ‘different looks’/styles either. New clothes we’d get at Christmas and birthdays, and ‘hand me downs’ were a regular occurrence. I got gifted make up and girly stuff also, but I was a bit of a ‘Tom boy’ until I got to my teens, so I didn’t care to use it! Plus, I didn’t know what I was doing, my mums never been one for makeup, So it wasn’t something of interest to me – nor did I see the ‘importance’ to wearing it. *This of course made me stand out even more than I already did!

I was fifteen, and I had just gotten my first (in the other sense as well) boyfriend – after not actually being interested initially (he was a over a year older than me and had already finished high school), but he kept on ‘asking’, so I basically said yes to shut him up. After a little time, I got rather fond/attached to him, and it got to the point where I was changing bits of myself, in order to keep him interested in me, as I was scared of him ‘dumping’ me (I cannot roll my eyes back any further!) It was the little comments and small criticisms from him, that increased the pressure for me to start wearing makeup.

It only took me wearing a bit of blusher, some mascara, and a tidy up of my eyebrows (meaning plucking them within an inch of their natural born lives, due to it being fashionable!), for my peers (at school) to notice the difference and start to actually be nice to me! – instead of the usual ‘piss taking’! I remember the first day going to school with these ‘changes’, walking to each class, the passing pupils would have to take a second look! With some stopping me to mention that I look so much better! And some asked me ‘what’s different?’.

I wasn’t Really conscious of my looks before that…. But it was the positive reactions I received that day, that kept me worrying about how I looked on the outside. Because in my experience, with the years of being outcasted with no explanation, I felt like I finally fitted in enough to not be targeted. It was from then on, I became the opposite of who I truly am – which I’m still learning who that even is!

Until next time!

T!