I couldn’t think of a name for this one, so I reused the title and shoved ‘pt2’ on the end. But saying that, I’m still trying here!
Now, I know it’s been a minute since I’ve wrote on here, and it’s not because I haven’t wanted to, I just haven’t had the mental capacity to do so! Now, I’m not quite sure if there’s some sort of correlation between my dosage of sertraline being reduced and my symptoms of ADHD becoming increasingly worse recently, but I have really struggled and have put myself in ‘exist mode’ for the time being. I’m even struggling with the most basic of things, and even doing ‘the things I like’ have proven to be the most difficult to get started, let alone into! Staring into a blank space has been my ‘go to’ and ‘Executive Dysfunction’ has overstayed its welcome! I have things I need to be getting on with – yet it’s proving almost impossible!
I’m frustrated by it if I’m honest, I should be ‘living my best life’ at this point, having worked so hard to get to the place I’m at now. All the hardships I’ve endured, small battles I’ve won and overcome, yet I don’t feel victorious. I don’t feel like I thought I was supposed to. And now, I’m having to move forward, not on the feelings and enthusiasm I thought I’d automatically get once things were ‘over’, but instead, the way I feel is like; I’m in that ‘weird state’ & space of time, when someone dies… the bit in-between the death and the funeral. The time where you don’t know what day it is, but you know that you’ve gotta talk to the funeral home tomorrow. That window of time where you’re exhausted, yet have overslept three days in a row after going to bed early! Your heads heavy and fuzzy, and have this annoyance and almost anger at every stranger around you because they’re completely oblivious that your whole world has crumbled since you heard the words ‘I’m so sorry…’, yet they’re carrying on like nothings happened, getting on with their lives, when yours has just stopped! You’re doing the things you have to do, the things you know you should be doing, but there’s absolutely no emotion with it. Just a necessity.
A random way to explain how I’m feeling, but thats the only way I know how, that’s the problem with having autism. I struggle terribly with labelling & identifying my emotions – so I find it easier to explain with a relative experience that I’ve been through, in hope that someone ‘gets it’… which doesn’t always go down well when I use this method to show someone that I understand how they’re feeling, because it gets taken as a ‘oneupmanship’!
Anyhoo, the last few weeks I have been seeing a really good counsellor for therapy each week, and I must say – she’s really helped me come to some pretty tough realisations, which I’m still processing. But the bottom line is; ‘it wasn’t my fault’.
I’ll try not to leave it too late for the next one!
T x
If you want to actually put a voice to the words you’ve read… I’ve recently started uploading my overall recovery on TikTok and I update the socials as and when, I’ll leave the links bellow…. Not trying to be famous, it’s just that if my story can help someone carry on in some way or feel less alone, then the jobs a good’n!
