With it being a little over a year since I received a diagnosis (of ASD), I can safely say that, it has ‘sunk in’ now. I guess I needed some extra time to process & absorb this new reality of mine. And, most of all, learn all about what it means to be autistic.

But, do I accept myself more now? Short answer is, no! The thing is, I still feel somewhat embarrassed about how I may ‘present’ now, in comparison to how I may of presented all the years prior (the diagnosis)! I’m almost ashamed because I ‘stim’ a lot and it’s obvious! Also, I still feel like this huge imposter, who has just simply ‘faked’ her way through life… trying to keep up with the crowd by simply ‘copying’ them, losing myself more and more in the process. And now I’m stuck with the question of ‘who actually am I?’

Of course, I could dust off my ‘mask’ and start masking again, but the thing is, it just doesn’t fit me anymore! Especially since the mental breakdown! I can’t seem to push myself past any level of discomfort like I used to. And it (masking) takes up a lot of energy – which at one point, I felt like I had an unlimited supply of!

So how can I be ‘more Autistic’ this year, in comparison with last year?… Well, it’s more so the fact that I cannot suppress my autistic traits (nor do I want to, because I’m much more comfortable not holding back & being myself) anymore! With that, I only spend a limited amount of time with a limited amount of people these days – as my social battery isn’t as good as it used to be, and I just want to be round the people who accept me as I am, ‘Info dumping’ an’ all…

This next year, I hope it brings me more growth as a person. And I hope I can completely move past and heal from the last few years of my life… And be whoever it is I’m supposed to be (& be happy about it)!

Until next time,

T!